Allen Ginsberg - Lloyd
i shudder to think how long this allen ginsberg link has been on here, empty and unlinkable......
i was reading this biography of allen ginsberg, i think it was in the spring of 1997?....i think it was called 'dharma lion', by michael schumacher, although now that i've checked amazon.com, it seems like this book has been out of print for awhile.......so much for the memory.....at any rate, i was reading this allen ginsberg biography, and it was very long, and very moving, and i was reflecting on how much allen ginsberg has meant to me in my life and how much he's taught me and helped me in so many ways........somewhere along the line, probably about half way thru the book, i got a nasty ass flu/pnemonia, and was in bed with a delusional fever for a week. it was a lot different from the delusional fever i usually have. but i do remember talking to allen a lot during that time. i'm not sure if he was dead yet or not.
i think i read the poem 'howl' when i was in high school. that kind of freaks me out now, considering i went to high school in brockton mass, and there was not a whole lot of culture happening there, if you know what i'm saying. but, somehow or other, i got my hands on that poem and remember being pretty freaked out by it. by the language, the ideas, the way it was written.....pretty much everything about it......and then following the trail...........trying to figure out where this guy CAME from and HOW he got this way.....i think that may have lead me to city lights books, and some of the other beat writers, maybe kerouac, ken kesey. i remember when i first read THAT book, 'one flew over the cuckoo's nest' and how much i identified with it. it was a lot like my childhood in a lot of ways. my dad worked at a veteran's administration hospital. i'm getting off track though. i guess what i was trying to say, is that thru allen, i was exposed to a lot of information. a lot of information that helped me a great deal. there was also a connection somewhere in there to ram dass, who i found out about around the same time. i read 'be here now' and started follwing some of those trails. yoga. meditation. i wasn't so crazy about the drugs. i'd seen some people get pretty messed up by that stuff. i didn't really want any part of that. but i WAS fascinated by the fact that there seemed to be a group of people who existed OUTSIDE of the mainstream who were interested in LEARNING about things, but were NOT so fascinated with what your social security number was, your school i.d. #, and whether or not you were setting off the metal detector.
whenever i read anything by allen, i would always be so impressed by the way that he was so excited about ideas, and LEARNING things. it was contagious. you could just 'feel' the way he was jumping up and down because he'd learned something new. it INSPIRED me. it made me think it was POSSIBLE to be writer, or an artist, or a musician or.........of course on a very basic level he pretty open about his homosexuality, and his body, and people SURE weren't doing that in my neighborhood. so i was learning about that too. but mainly, i was learning to learn. to explore and to look for answers to the questions i had, and i just being inspired to write and to LEARN.......
eventually, i wound up reading about buddhism, because of things i'd read that allen had written. at first, most of the things i read didn't appeal to me. i read some alan watts, and that just made me think you had to give up on EVERYTHING. i was a pretty serious runner at the time. i wanted to win the gold medal in the olympic marathon. i wasn't about to get involved in something that made you have no desire. i NEEDED my desire to win my medal. (oh, by the way, that didn't work out, the gold medal thing) i also read Selected Writings of D. T. Suzuki.........boy did THAT confuse me. i had NO IDEA what he was talking about......but as time went on, it was allen ginsberg who cut those ideas up into little chunks that i could chew and digest, probably because he was a jewish boy from paterson new jersey, and he was using terms i could identify with. in time, that helped me to find my way along to some books i actually could identify with. i eventually wound up becoming an actual buddhist. go figure.
i also remember reading some of allen's journals, and i was struck by how honest he was, and how human.......he wasn't afraid to be vunerable, and i knew that at times he really struggled, just like the rest of us. that helped me a lot. it made me feel like it was ok if i was struggling to get there......and i knew that allen wasn't about to become a celibate monk and live in a cave or anything.....but that he was trying to integrate his buddhist practice into his every day down and dirty life, and art. that is WAS possible to be an artist and keep a spiritual practice going. that the two could go hand in hand. allen made the teachings ACCESSIBLE to me......he made me feel like it was all 'DOABLE'......
and then i heard him sing.......! i had gone to a couple of his readings at the boston public library, and they were always very cool and a lot of fun........but at the end, he'd always get into chanting with his little harmonium and i would RUN out of there!!!! i'm laughing my ass off, looking back on it now, because i was 14 or 15 and what did i know!? it scared the HELL out of me!! i mean, it's not like i was taking singing lessons or anything, but i just KNEW this guy could NOT sing and yet he WAS doing it!! or i dont' even know what he was doing, he was just up there emoting, singing off key and TOTALLY getting into it......like i said, at the time, that REALLY freaked me out and i wanted no part of it....i didn't understand it, and i didn't want to.......but as the years passed, his music, if you want to call it that, came to mean a lot to me........it made me feel the same way as when i read his journals, and he was vunerable and human. it was ACCESSIBLE. it was doable. as time went on, and i listened to some of the songs on his albums, i think it was called first blues or blues and dharma or something.....there's a boxed set now.....but now when i listen to it, i can hear 'him', or his 'essence' in there.....it 's like 'he' is in the music or the songs themselves........there was just a part of him that was very pure, and gentle, and open........and that helped me a lot when i started to cross that line and get involved with home taping, and recording..........if i go back now and listen to the"TOOLBOX TOYBOX GO! GO! GO!" album or "crayolafishes" or any of those tapes, i can see how much he influenced me and the work i was doing......but that's another story. i don't know for sure, but i suspect that a lot of the time, allen didn't think he was doing anything big or special........he was just living his life. and it was, in fact, those little, teeny weeny , tiny, day to day ordinary things that meant a HUGE HUGE amount to me. so perhaps you might remember that, the next time you are down and thinking that you are just a 'normal' person who isn't doing anything 'special' or helping anyone. you never know. you never know how even just the littlest, simplest, most vunerable things could be helping the people around you.......
i was fortunate enough to meet allen in the early nineties, and to spend some time with him. i'm really sorry i was too wrapped up in my own shit to be aware of all this, and to say thank you and let him know how grateful i was. so, i guess i have to say it now. thank you allen. i'm very grateful.
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i shudder to think how long this allen ginsberg link has been on here, empty and unlinkable......
i was reading this biography of allen ginsberg, i think it was in the spring of 1997?....i think it was called 'dharma lion', by michael schumacher, although now that i've checked amazon.com, it seems like this book has been out of print for awhile.......so much for the memory.....at any rate, i was reading this allen ginsberg biography, and it was very long, and very moving, and i was reflecting on how much allen ginsberg has meant to me in my life and how much he's taught me and helped me in so many ways........somewhere along the line, probably about half way thru the book, i got a nasty ass flu/pnemonia, and was in bed with a delusional fever for a week. it was a lot different from the delusional fever i usually have. but i do remember talking to allen a lot during that time. i'm not sure if he was dead yet or not.
i think i read the poem 'howl' when i was in high school. that kind of freaks me out now, considering i went to high school in brockton mass, and there was not a whole lot of culture happening there, if you know what i'm saying. but, somehow or other, i got my hands on that poem and remember being pretty freaked out by it. by the language, the ideas, the way it was written.....pretty much everything about it......and then following the trail...........trying to figure out where this guy CAME from and HOW he got this way.....i think that may have lead me to city lights books, and some of the other beat writers, maybe kerouac, ken kesey. i remember when i first read THAT book, 'one flew over the cuckoo's nest' and how much i identified with it. it was a lot like my childhood in a lot of ways. my dad worked at a veteran's administration hospital. i'm getting off track though. i guess what i was trying to say, is that thru allen, i was exposed to a lot of information. a lot of information that helped me a great deal. there was also a connection somewhere in there to ram dass, who i found out about around the same time. i read 'be here now' and started follwing some of those trails. yoga. meditation. i wasn't so crazy about the drugs. i'd seen some people get pretty messed up by that stuff. i didn't really want any part of that. but i WAS fascinated by the fact that there seemed to be a group of people who existed OUTSIDE of the mainstream who were interested in LEARNING about things, but were NOT so fascinated with what your social security number was, your school i.d. #, and whether or not you were setting off the metal detector.
whenever i read anything by allen, i would always be so impressed by the way that he was so excited about ideas, and LEARNING things. it was contagious. you could just 'feel' the way he was jumping up and down because he'd learned something new. it INSPIRED me. it made me think it was POSSIBLE to be writer, or an artist, or a musician or.........of course on a very basic level he pretty open about his homosexuality, and his body, and people SURE weren't doing that in my neighborhood. so i was learning about that too. but mainly, i was learning to learn. to explore and to look for answers to the questions i had, and i just being inspired to write and to LEARN.......
eventually, i wound up reading about buddhism, because of things i'd read that allen had written. at first, most of the things i read didn't appeal to me. i read some alan watts, and that just made me think you had to give up on EVERYTHING. i was a pretty serious runner at the time. i wanted to win the gold medal in the olympic marathon. i wasn't about to get involved in something that made you have no desire. i NEEDED my desire to win my medal. (oh, by the way, that didn't work out, the gold medal thing) i also read Selected Writings of D. T. Suzuki.........boy did THAT confuse me. i had NO IDEA what he was talking about......but as time went on, it was allen ginsberg who cut those ideas up into little chunks that i could chew and digest, probably because he was a jewish boy from paterson new jersey, and he was using terms i could identify with. in time, that helped me to find my way along to some books i actually could identify with. i eventually wound up becoming an actual buddhist. go figure.
i also remember reading some of allen's journals, and i was struck by how honest he was, and how human.......he wasn't afraid to be vunerable, and i knew that at times he really struggled, just like the rest of us. that helped me a lot. it made me feel like it was ok if i was struggling to get there......and i knew that allen wasn't about to become a celibate monk and live in a cave or anything.....but that he was trying to integrate his buddhist practice into his every day down and dirty life, and art. that is WAS possible to be an artist and keep a spiritual practice going. that the two could go hand in hand. allen made the teachings ACCESSIBLE to me......he made me feel like it was all 'DOABLE'......
and then i heard him sing.......! i had gone to a couple of his readings at the boston public library, and they were always very cool and a lot of fun........but at the end, he'd always get into chanting with his little harmonium and i would RUN out of there!!!! i'm laughing my ass off, looking back on it now, because i was 14 or 15 and what did i know!? it scared the HELL out of me!! i mean, it's not like i was taking singing lessons or anything, but i just KNEW this guy could NOT sing and yet he WAS doing it!! or i dont' even know what he was doing, he was just up there emoting, singing off key and TOTALLY getting into it......like i said, at the time, that REALLY freaked me out and i wanted no part of it....i didn't understand it, and i didn't want to.......but as the years passed, his music, if you want to call it that, came to mean a lot to me........it made me feel the same way as when i read his journals, and he was vunerable and human. it was ACCESSIBLE. it was doable. as time went on, and i listened to some of the songs on his albums, i think it was called first blues or blues and dharma or something.....there's a boxed set now.....but now when i listen to it, i can hear 'him', or his 'essence' in there.....it 's like 'he' is in the music or the songs themselves........there was just a part of him that was very pure, and gentle, and open........and that helped me a lot when i started to cross that line and get involved with home taping, and recording..........if i go back now and listen to the"TOOLBOX TOYBOX GO! GO! GO!" album or "crayolafishes" or any of those tapes, i can see how much he influenced me and the work i was doing......but that's another story. i don't know for sure, but i suspect that a lot of the time, allen didn't think he was doing anything big or special........he was just living his life. and it was, in fact, those little, teeny weeny , tiny, day to day ordinary things that meant a HUGE HUGE amount to me. so perhaps you might remember that, the next time you are down and thinking that you are just a 'normal' person who isn't doing anything 'special' or helping anyone. you never know. you never know how even just the littlest, simplest, most vunerable things could be helping the people around you.......
i was fortunate enough to meet allen in the early nineties, and to spend some time with him. i'm really sorry i was too wrapped up in my own shit to be aware of all this, and to say thank you and let him know how grateful i was. so, i guess i have to say it now. thank you allen. i'm very grateful.
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